Tiny Urban Hippie Posts
Last summer, I participated in an Instagram challenge, hosted by @yoga_girl. The prompt on day 8 was manifesting dreams. Here was my submission…
I posted that picture 44 weeks ago. I was hooked on Chicago. I didn’t really think I’d move here for a few years, yet here I am. Moving here was in the back of my mind for a long while, everyone close to me was aware of it, in support of it.
As it turned out, Nate and I came up on a two week vacation to visit Adam, and show Nate the city – and we never left. Unexpected, but everyone was in full agreement that it was the best thing for us. And it was. We’re happy. This is one dream that came true very suddenly, and not under good circumstances; yet it became everything I hoped it would.
Over the course of one year, I made this transition.
I lost 95 pounds. My weight loss method was eating a healthier vegan diet, walking, running, and yoga.
At the end of November, I was at an all time low, and fit into size 00 jeans. Which was just crazy.
I had just moved into an itty bitty, teeny tiny, sorry excuse for an apartment. Honestly, it was bad. My son’s health was rocky from his pseudohypoaldosteronism, so we stayed indoors during almost all of the brutally cold Chicago winter. I couldn’t bring my treadmill from Kansas into an apartment like that, there literally wasn’t room for a yoga mat (not that it mattered to me at the time), and honestly, I was depressed. It’s rough to be in a new place, unable to go out, barely able to move, constantly worried about my boy, and so on.
I could eat, although I was unable to locate the foods I lived on during the last year. So unrestricted, bored eating, plus the inability to get out and MOVE equals the scale moving in the wrong direction.
Over the next 7 months, I gained back 47 pounds. Ouch. 95 pounds gone became 48 pounds gone.
The good news is I caught it. I didn’t gain it all back, and then some. I’ve only been back at it a few days, but I’m already back down 52 pounds. Four pounds in the right direction, I’ll take it! My son and I moved into a much larger place, he is doing better, I found my old food finally, and have restarted my yoga practice. My heart and mind are back in it, to win it.
I can do this. I will do this.
September 5th, 2014. My 34th birthday. Not really a number of any significance, I wasn’t expecting anything to come of the day. It was strange when on the 4th, I started to dread the day. I wanted to put it off so badly. I had a few drinks, which was extremely unusual for me. Semi drunk, I decided that would be a good time to begin my daily yoga practice.
And so I did. Classy, right? Anyway, exactly 53 minutes into my birthday, I received a text from my former husband of over 11 years, Chris. A simple text.
After the very brief exchange, I went back to my vodka & coke, back to my practice. After another hour or so, I finally went to bed. Not knowing that text was the very last exchange with the man I had spent nearly half my life with.
When I got up, I had a nagging feeling something was wrong, but brushed it off. At around 5pm, I received a phone call that I missed. When I saw the missed call from the unknown but local number, I dialed the numbers, my heart pounding out of my chest. It was Patrick. Chris’ best friend and co-worker of many years. He was crying. He told me he was so sorry to have to be the one to tell me this, but Chris was no longer with us. I think it was at that point that it felt like my heart stopped pounding, stopped beating entirely. Everything went cold and blurry. I dropped to my knees yelling into the phone no, no what happened, it can’t be true…
But it was true. With a gunshot to the head, Chris took his own life a few hours prior.
At some point we hung up. I told my mother. I called friend after friend because somehow if I kept talking maybe it wasn’t real. It could still be a mistake. Perhaps I’d even wake up. Of course it was quite true. A loss so profound that it tore my life in two. There was a before this day, and an after. Nothing was the same ever again, and I don’t think it will be.
I’ll skip forward in the story here… in my grief, I quit yoga. I wasn’t sure why, my guess was that I associated yoga with the day he died. It took me over six months to realize that it was the fact that my last words spoken to him were during my practice. That was what made it far too painful to approach my mat again.
Fast forward to now, 9 months have passed. I moved to Chicago. I let my practice wither into dust. I’ve had a yoga mat here, my props, everything I needed, everything but the heart and will to push forward and start again. Until now. I am looking inside for strength I’m not sure I have to try and salvage any remnants of my love for yoga – the ability to actually practice once more. I miss it. It’s just been so hard. Chest crushing, I can’t breathe hard.
I unrolled my mat this evening. Tip toed into a brief, humbling practice. Things are not as I had left them. My body has only weak memories of where it left off. My mind was racing, in spite of my attempts to calm it. I tried though. I gave it my best shot, and tomorrow, I just might try it again.
Welcome friends, to Tiny Urban Hippie. So glad you decided to drop by!
My name is Sarah. I’m a 30 something, living in Chicago, mom of an absolutely amazing 4 year old boy.
I’ve blogged since the days of dial up, but have regrettably left my cyber homes time and time again. Life just changes so much that it seems too daunting a task for the blog to adjust – and so I move, start over. It seems unlikely given my track record, but perhaps this will be as intended and be my last stop? Here’s hoping!
I’m a vegan. Short! A boho yogi runner that loves the city. The past couple years have been full of crazy highs and lows. Dealing with my sons rare disease, a hectic move to the Windy City, the suicide of my former best friend, and then a year later the suicide of my former husband on my 34th birthday. I lost 94 pounds over the course of a year. So much more too – it’s been a hell of a ride.
Tiny Urban Hippie will be my spot to share life. As simple, and as complicated as that. I hope you’ll stick around.
Would you leave me a note, and let me know how you found the blog? Did you know me from before, maybe Kirksen, Square Goods, Hey Zaby… ? Perhaps you already knew of TUH? v1.0 was around in 2014 or so. Maybe this is our first time crossing paths? I’d love to know!